Today....

Today, I am glad...

for getting a second chance...

because I realize its never too late to start all over again...

Today I have no regrets...

for the things I did in my past...

because I do have such pleasant memories which I can carry a lifetime...

Today I am thankful...

for the people who left me alone when they did...

because that made me the stronger person I am today...

Today I am sorry...

for hurting the people who cared for me...

because I realize the unseen pain and unerasable marks I might have left for them...

Today I am greatful...

for having so many beautiful people in my life...
because they made me realize I can be loved and I truely deserve it...

Today I finally am at peace with myself ...

for everything that happened in my past and for everything that might happen in the future...

because I am finally learning to live in the present...

Feelings of a dejected girl....

I saw a sweet smile spread on her lips as she was sleeping....
And the sight was so good that I just couldnot help feeling happy for her....

All of a sudden she woke up.... and started crying.... I was hell shocked...
Just a moment ago there was such a beautifull smile on her lips and now she is crying....
I just took her into my arms and probably for the first time in years she spoke about her feeling....
Though I couldnot really feel her feelings.... I realised both the happiness and sadness in the tone of her her words....
which were something like this....

"
Sometimes life looks like hell....
But is it really that bad.... or are we imagining things....
There is always a saying.... which I sort of believe completely....
"This too, shall pass...."
And I have been waiting.... waiting.... and waiting....
to see this feeling pass....
to see things get better....
to experience relief at last....
to be happy once again....
but that day does not seem to come at all....
not in the past.... not in the present.... not in the future....

I heard that there are
"No second chances"....
but I hoped I will get one.... I really wished I am given one chance....
I know I made mistakes.... I know I hurt people around me....
but give me a name of a person who had never made mistakes in his life....
who have been able to satisfy everybody without hurting anybody's feelings....
Why is it that how much ever I try I don't seem to get a second chance....
how much ever I try my past mistakes haunt me like hell....

They always say
"It is never too late to start over again"....
But how can you start over
when you know there are so many things from the past that would not let you go....
when there are memories that never tend to cease hauting....
when there is no more desire to search for things....
when all you hope for is life to be still....
when all you want is hide yourself from the world in a closed room....
so that
you don't have to answer other's question....
you don't want other's to realise your feelings....
you don't want people to be speaking about your madness....

Madness??? Madness of what....
Madness for loving a person so much that nothing else seems to matter other than his thoughts....
when just the memories of the time spent with him brings smile on your lips....
when just the feeling of missing him brings tears into your eyes....
when nothing else matters to you except his happiness....
If you call this madness.... than I am mad.... I am mad about him....

When I was younger I was told that....
"Its hard to wait around for something that you know might not happen but its even harder to give up, when you know its everything you ever wanted...."
I never understood the meaning of that until that actually happened to me....
I thought what's the point of waiting when you know that will never happen....
but as is written there are things in life which become the only reason your living for....
No matter they belong to you or not....
No matter your happy or not....
No matter you can achieve it or not....
there is nothing in life that will make you give up the quest....
make you forget the past....
make you move along....
make you stop waiting....
"

I could do nothing but just hold her in my arms for as long as I can.... because I had no words... only prayers for her happiness....

Manasu mata vinada???

"Manasu nee mata vinnanu ani antontey.....
Tanavu eee bada barinchaleka potontey.....
Telivi nee swardam neku gurtuchestontey.....
Prema nee kallu moosi vestontey.....

Nuvvu emaina cheyagalava.....
Edaina allochincha galava.....
Asallu oopiraina Peelchukogalava......

Cheppu..... Evariki cheppanu ee bada neee.....
Evaritho panchukonu eee Aashani....."

Zivitamlo elanti ooka roju prati manishiki untadi anukonta..... Samadanam leni oka prasna alla migilipotondi anukonta..... Oopiripeelchuko ani neku nuvvu cheppukovatam tappa cheyagaligindi emi ledanukonta.....

leka edhaina unda???

Untey naku endhuku ardamkavatalledu.....
Nenu endhuku choodatalledu.....
Nenu endhuku alochinchatalledu......
Nenu endhuku sweekarinchatalledu.....

Denini otamini angeekarinchatam antara??? Sardukupovatam antara???

Antey naku endhuku ala anipinchatalledu..... leka anipistonda???

Letting go......

"Knowing a person like you has made me happy in a million ways.....
And if ever I have to let you go.....
I would find a million reasons to make you stay..... "

I once said these words to someone..... and than i never knew there would actually come a time when i have to find reasons..... than i never knew that i would contradict these words someday..... than i never knew i would feel better to let go than to actually find a reason.....

Its a bliss to have such a person in your life.....
one who understands you.....
one who reassures you.....
one who encourages you.....
one who trusts you.....
one who knows you better than you.....

But when that person has to move away..... when that person has to leave you all alone..... I thought..... I would never let go.....

and today..... though my heart beats faster than it should..... though my heart scolds me for what i am doing..... though my heart wants nothing but not to let go.....

I realise that we can not hold a person against their will.....
I realise that no reason can hold a person for ever.....
I realise that till date that person was with me because that person wanted to be with me and not because of the reasons.....

I just wish it is more easier to let go.....
but with all my heart..... but with all my might..... I realise there is nothing more difficult than letting you go..... Yet..... today..... I promise you i will try not to find any reasons to hold on to you.....

Just letting you go.....
Just hoping the best for you.....
Just wishing you happiness and peace.....

loads of love,

Gamyam leni payanam.....

Anaganaga oka ramachilaka..... andamga..... anandamga undedata..... Tana prapanchanni choosi mussi mussi navvullatho anukunedata..... Naa anna naa prapanchamlo nenu chaala Santhoshamga unnanu..... nenu..... naa vallu andhamaina eee lokam..... inkem kavali ee chinni jivitaniki ani epudu antu undedata.....

Chinna chinna saradalatho.....
Chinna chinna kotlatalatho.....
Chinna chinna korikalatho.....
Chinna chinna gamyalatho.....
Chaala chinna chinna vishayalatho.....
Anandamga saagipotunna tana jivitaniki evari disti tagilindo emo teliyadu kani.....

akasmattuga vachina penu tuphanulalo.....
tana prapancham kooli potunna samayamlo.....
emi cheyaleni aaa nissahaya sthitilo.....
evari panchana cheralo ardam kani tana jivita payanamlo.....
Tana cheyyi patti nadipinchey tana valley tanaku dooram ayina aaa kshanamlo.....
evarini nammalo.....
ardam kani ayomaya sthitilo.....

Ontariga..... Odharpukai vaachi unna aaa rama chilakaku..... todevaro..... tana gamyam emito.....
tana eee gamyam leni payanam entha varako.....

vechi choodalsindey mari.....

Farewell Party.....

Four years of college life coming to an end..... is it..... yup..... and I really don't know..... am I missing it..... Gosh..... Don't say me yes..... Anyways..... Anyone who knows me will bet that I could not miss my college..... especially since I was a student who hated to go to the college..... Maintaining 65% attendance had been a very tedious task for me.....

Now..... When all that is over..... let me confess..... I don't say I am missing the college..... but a feeling that can't be put in words had settled in my mind..... I don't know if that is a happy feeling or a sad one..... I only know..... remotely..... that something important is coming to an end.....

Opps..... what am I talking about..... I thought I wanted to tell about the farewell party.....
Well..... The farewell party organized by my lovely friends Srinija and Sowmini for the group of eight..... was awesome..... First of all thank you Srini..... Thanks Sowmi..... It was a great party.....

Now..... Don't expect me to go into the details of the party..... We enjoyed every minute..... Surprises were awaiting us all through out the day..... and will you believe me..... if I say we were awake till 5:30 in the morning..... yes..... we were awake..... we blah-blahed..... but most importantly we talked..... talked about our futures..... about our assets..... about our demerits..... Advising one another..... hoping the best for one another.....

hmmm..... What else should I say.....
It was just awesome..... no more words.....
I just wanted to say..... as always..... we rock.....

And..... though I don't want to agree..... I will miss you all.....
Manjusha..... I will miss you scolding my irresponsibility.....
Rajitha..... I will miss scolding your last minute preparations.....
Sudha..... Who will now give me reasons for each and every thing..... and your alu curry darling.....
Sowjanya..... I will miss the 'who cares' attitude of yours.....
Sirisha..... Sweety now..... who will invite me to the birthday party at home.....
Srinija..... Let me confess that you have been my inspiration in soo many things.....
Sowmini..... I will always remember the silent yet most intelligent gal you are.....

Wishing all of you..... a very peaceful life ahead.....
Signing off,
Jyothi.

Life at a glance....

When you have lived 21 years of your life..... and are comfortable with a kewl job in hand..... and you look back.....
You had worked hard for 18 years in your 21 years to complete your education..... to get the degree of which your proud now..... to get the job which you have..... to get the reputation you now hold.....
------------
When you have lived 60 years of your life..... and are comfortable with a nice pension and a farm house..... and you look back.....
You had to work even harder to keep the job you earned..... you earned to live..... you earned to take care of your family..... to retire with a nice pension and a good farm house.....
-------------
But....
Have you ever felt that you have been reading to please your parents but have forgotten to say you love them.....
Have you ever realized you have been earning to live but have forgotten that your alive.....
Have you ever felt you have earned to take care of ur family but have forgotten to spend some time with them.....
Have you ever realized that you have fulfilled all the needs of your children but have forgotten to teach them the value of life.....
Have you ever realized that you have provided them with the best things money can buy but have forgotten to spend time with them.....
Have you ever realized that you have made your life mechanical.....
Have you ever realized that you have wasted 60 years of your life to enjoy the remaining 5 or 10 years of your life....

true......
you have visited movies...... you have visited clubs...... you have visited tourist spots.....
but did you realize
that you have never spent time to understand the feelings of your heart..... the feelings of your parents..... the feelings of your beloved..... the feelings of your children.....
that you were too busy either earning or spending to look into your dreams..... to look into your life..... to look into your memories.....
that you cared so much for your reputation in the society that you were not ready to come out of this mechanical life the society has set for you..... to come out and see your dreams come true..... to come out and risk being happy.....

All I would like to say is.....
Please don't take a life time to realize that you have wasted your life.....
Work to earn..... but don't forget to live.....
Read for your parents..... but remember to say you love them.....
Go to the movies with your beloved..... but don't forget to listen to your heart.....
Buy for your kids..... but remember nothing can replace your hug.....
Save for your future..... but don't forget nothing is more important than present.....

With Love, Forever.....

I had not realized how much I count on the you..... because your there with me.....
but.....
when you just get angry..... and I quarrel.....
when you just stop talking to me..... and I feel that I am left alone.....
all the fears.....
all the insecurities.....
all the vulnerabilities.....
that I left behind..... that I buried surface.....
and..... the horrible thoughts..... the fright..... the pain..... the insanity..... everything..... everything starts tormenting me.....

I cry not only because I am afraid of loosing you but also because of my own inherent insecurities.....
I cry not only because I am yearning to be with you but also because of my wish to be in secured company.....

Your love had made me forget everything.....
My trust in you had given me a sense of security.....
Your guidance had showed me the way to the shore.....
My love had made me follow the path you showed.....
Your company had made me smile again and again.....

But....
I have never realized how much I am counting on you.....
I have never realized how much I actually love you.....
I have never realized what I am when I am with you.....
I have not realized that....
I'm idiotic because you bare with my nature.....
I'm talkative because your ready to hear my blah-blah.....
I'm negligent because you are there to take care.....
I'm childish because you bare with my non sense.....
I'm confident because you are there to boost up my spirits.....
and last but not the least....
I'm happy because you are there in my life.....

Love you mumma.....
Love you pappa.....
Love you.....
Love you.....

I wish.....

I wish I can do what i feel like doing.....
I wish I can forget everything and everybody.....
I wish I can lead my life according to my liking.....
I wish I can live life rather than just be alive.....
I wish I can see life in a much better way.....
I wish I can die with peace and content in my heart.....
I wish I can close my eyes and see the complete world.....
I wish I can fly anywhere with just two wings.....

I wish I have a chance to sleep in my mom's arms for hours together.....
I wish I have a chance to blah-blah to my pappa for ever.....
I wish I have a chance to live in the company of loved ones.....
I wish I have a chance to breath the sweet smell of wet mud.....
I wish I have a chance to just walk on the roads on a full moon night.....
I wish I have a chance to just sit and watch the world running.....
I wish I have a chance to enjoy the first drops of the falling rains.....
I wish I have a chance to count the stars and enjoy the moonlight.....

I wish man is more human.....
I wish man is less mechanical.....
I wish man is more understanding.....
I wish man is less egoistic.....
I wish man is more helpful.....
I wish man is less selfish.....
I wish man is more thoughtful.....
I wish man is less idiotic.....

All in all.......
I wish either all my wishes are fulfilled.....
or at the least my wish that
I have no wishes at all is fulfilled.....

The gal next door.....

Here is a girl......
who has lived and loved her family as much as you do....
who is as much educated as you are.....
who is earning almost as much as you do.....
who has dreams and aspirations just as you have.....
who is as alive and as human as you are.....
who has never entered the kitchen just like you have not....
who was as busy with her studies as you have been.....
who had been competing in this race as hard as you have been....
who has bravely agreed to leave behind her..... her family..... her home..... her identity.....
who agreed to adopt to your home..... your family..... your ways..... your ideas.....

yet....

You expect her.....
To be a master-chef from day one..... while you sleep oblivious to her predicament in her new circumstances..... new environment..... new kitchen.....

You expect her.....
to make tea first thing in the morning.....
cook food at the end of the day..... even if she is as tired as you are.....

You expect her....
to never ever complain.... even if she is too tired to be a servant..... a cook..... a mother..... a wife.....

You don't apprehend that......
she is learning what you want from her..... just like you...... that she can also be uneasy and messy at times..... that she knows that you won't like it....... if she is too demanding..... or if she learns faster than you.....

You don't remember that.....
she has her own set of friends..... and that includes men at her workplace..... people she knows from school days..... that she is willing to put all that on the back-burners..... to avoid your irrational jealousy..... to avoid your inherent insecurities.....

You don't understand that.....
she can drink and dance just as well as you can..... and yet she won't..... simply because you won't like it..... simply because she cares for your feelings..... which you never tend to understand.....

You don't realize that.....
she can be late from work once in a while..... that she has her deadlines in the project..... which have to be met..... that she would have been too tired to cook for you..... that she would expect a few soothing words from you.....

You don't want to accept that.....
she is doing her level best for this relationship..... that nothing in her entire life is as much important to her as this relation is..... that she wants your help to achieve this..... that she bestows her trust on you and wants you to trust her.....

You don't want to recognize that.....
she just expects a few thing from you..... that your the only one she knows in your entire house..... that she needs your support..... your care..... your understanding..... your unconditional love.....

Hey..... at least think about it now.....
try and understand her.....

Happy Days....

Well..... Final year of college life..... Happy days will never return..... nor will the past..... I am not a very good student..... I bunk my classes..... I bunk my college..... but in the few days I went..... there are so many memories..... so many feelings.....

I remember me walking for the first time into my beautiful campus..... with dad beside me..... and excitement about joining the college i so badly longed for..... Proud for being an engineering student..... and not to forget the fear about seniors on the very first day itself.....

And I choose IT..... and my class gals were a bunch of crackers..... all set to rock the college..... One need not ask for IT gals..... where ever lies the noise..... where ever lies the excitement..... where ever lies the laughter..... there exist the IT gals..... bursting with full of energy.....

Birthday parties..... birthday gifts..... Assignments..... Internals..... labs..... lecturers..... and loads of excitement..... nothing that can be forgotten.....

And ofcourse our seniors..... Ragging which I so badly feared the first day somewhat turned out to be something of fun for us..... We liked our senior boys..... and we feared our senior gals.....

Fast paced went the Freasher's Party..... and then the exams..... No one noticed when the year started or when it ended..... nothing seemed to move faster than time.....

And now..... We are seniors..... Seniors..... no longer juniors..... Freedom as well as bonds..... Freedom from seniors and bonds from lecturers..... Warning about not talking to the juniors..... and chances that we never loose to catch hold of juniors..... All passed by.....

Oh..... I forgot.....

We had gatherings at our residences..... and those were the best times..... the whole crowd assembling in our tiny bedrooms(you see the group was not a small one.....)..... pulling each other's legs..... and having the time of our life..... Somehow there never seemed to be an end to our blahblah..... One topic after other..... we blah blahed till the clock warned us that its time to leave..... and we needed to depart to our homes.....

Second year passed by..... and third year..... a bit matured..... everybody started thinking about the career..... all set to work..... busy planning careers..... busy checking the options that lay ahead..... time passed by..... every moment preserved..... and there was the industrial tour..... which I missed..... This I will regret for ever.....

Final year..... Many placed in reputed companies..... and many planning for higher education..... Today..... there is nothing i can say..... There is nothing thats going to return..... These years seemed to have moved very fast.....

We had things to laugh about and sorrows to share..... time passed by..... time passed by..... the last few months of college life lay ahead..... Well..... Afraid this will move on too..... and sometimes I wonder what lay ahead of us.....

Well.....

I always knew that recalling the moments when I cried will make me laugh..... but I never knew that recalling the moments when I laughed will make me cry.....

Today..... I dont know if I am happy or sad..... If I am laughing or crying..... If I am prepared or unprepared..... for what lay ahead in life..... waiting for me to join in.....

All I can say is..... Make the most of the remaining few months..... and all the best for anything you do in the future.....

I will miss you all.....

The Life Begins Revisited......

Eyes clear with innocence..... and the childish ignorance..... can be clearly seen in the child..... Yet..... most predominantly visible..... is the happiness about being in a heavenly place which doesnot exist elsewhere..... is the happiness about being in a divinely place to which we can never return again.....

It had a charm on me..... I was captivated..... I was experiencing bliss..... I forgot my surroundings and lost myself in the beauty of the feotus..... I could see the beauty and happiness that are so profoundly found in it..... I forgot myself...... A foetus..... a child who had not yet opened his eyes could bewitch me..... I wonder what magic he has..... I didnot know the reason..... Nor did I want to know the reason..... Hey..... Its better if you dont try to find it either....."The beauty of nature can be enjoyed only when unquestioned...."

There's more to this..... Do you know what is more beautiful than this beauty??? Its the spark of happiness that can be seen in the eyes of the lady who is carrying him..... Now..... What can I tell about the love she has for him..... No words are ever sufficient to express her love or her happiness.....

She inspite of knowing much too well the adversities she may have to face..... she inspite of knowing that the child's birth might bring death to her..... she inspite of knowing that she has to endure unbearable pain..... doesnot pray for herself..... she only prays for her child to be happy and healthy..... What else can explain the mother's love more than this wish of her..... How true are the words that God created Mom because he couldnot be everywhere.....

Love you Mom..... Love you a lot.....

P.S: I tried my best to express my feelings in English...... but words never seem to come to my mind..... Well..... this may not be very similar to my first article..... but the essence is the same.....

I miss you.....

"When I cry I see you in my tears.....

But I clean my tears.....
so that no one can see you....."

I read these words somewhere..... and could not help crying..... tears started rolling down my cheek as I left this world and travelled into a world of thoughts..... of sorrows..... of bliss..... of misery..... of happiness.....

Its only too much of love that causes you such feeling..... your afraid of someone seeing your tears..... your afraid someone will see your love..... your afraid someone might take away even the tears from you..... your afraid you will have to loose the only rememberances that you are left with..... your afraid inspite of being right next to that person you feel alone..... yet your afraid to cry..... yet your afraid you will loose the only chance of atleast seeing him/her..... your afraid you will be the cause for her misery..... and you stand all alone in the middle of a crowd..... afraid to cry yet unable to hold your tears..... you become frightened..... more frightened than a kid who lost his way..... you dont know what to do..... you dont know where to run..... or from whom to run.....

And all this happen when love crosses all its limits..... when it becomes eternal..... when it becomes divine..... and when you find someone everywhere around you..... in everything around you..... when you can feel that person's existence in your very breath..... yet..... when the person is right beside you you dont feel his/her physical existence..... yet when somebody's absence is much better than there presence..... yet when you prefer to be alone with him/her in your thoughts rather than feeling alone with him/her right beside you.....

Then.....
then you become frightened to cry..... and even if the tears roll down..... you become frightened to let others see them..... you, inspite of knowing that sharing sorrow will reduce it to half, will become afraid to share it to anyone..... will become frightened that you will loose the rememberences that you are left with.....

all alone you feel the company..... but in the company you feel the loneliness.......

being able to love others is happiness...... but being able to be loved by others is bliss.... all are not lucky enough......

The road to choose....

On one pleasant morning..... after collecting the food for the day two parrots, Solomon and his friend were chattering with each other....

"Many at times in life we come face to face with a situation where in we have to make decisions..... decisions are an integral part of life..... and we always want them to be correct..... We want our decisions to bring in good results..... Our decision should always get us better oppurtunities and least pitfalls....."said Solomon

"Very true", said his friend and became silent..... so he continued.....

"We find two roads in front of us and we need to choose.... We stand and watch into the two new roads as far as we can see..... we see think and think..... and finally make a decision..... and move along on the road we choose..... we put in our best efforts to make this decision....
Still sometimes our decisions are wrong....."

"There is something called fate..... which do effect our lifes..... nobody can escape it right.....", said the friend.

Solomon wondered more to himself than to his friend.....
"True..... but..... but..... then again.....
to a certain extent we can bear the burnt..... its ok if these decision only effects our life..... if no one else is effected by our decision.....

But when it effects others..... when it effects our loved ones..... when a single wrong decision ruins everything..... when the grounds on which we stand is being shaked..... when our world is shattered into pieces because of a single decision.....
We seem to be falling down into a pit which has no end..... worst of all..... we find our loved ones falling too..... we pray..... pray and pray with all our might for our loved ones to be safe..... we cry out for help..... not for ourself but for them..... yet when there is nothing..... yet when there is no one..... the mind is blocked..... we feel more dead than alive..... yet we are alive..... yet we need to answer the questions..... not that of others but those of our own conscience..... than..... Where is the answer??? What is the answer???"

His friend didnot know what to reply..... He felt that every word of Solomon was true..... but..... still he had his own suspicions.....

Yet to remove the tension in the situation..... He just said, "Chill dear..... You think quiet a lot..... Your a brave bird..... You can face any situation..... Its just that it takes time..... "

"True..... We will face the situation and life goes on..... but do we have the right to effect others life by our decisions.....",asked Solomon.

"Donno..... I wish I could help you..... yet..... Think it out..... I will give it a thought too", said his friend.

"And it all depends on the road we choose..... depends on the decision we make.....", said Solomon.

Saying this an unspoken decision was taken to drop the topic..... and so they chattered all day about the beautiful places they visited that season to collect there food.....

In Search of.......

In the middle of the night..... at 2 o clock..... I sit in front of my system..... with my fingers lazily moving on the keyboard and start writing this..... May be there is something i ought to share... yet i dont know what.....

Kabhi Kabhi Zindagi mein sabh kuch paane kay bavajoot bhi kuch aadura sa lagti hai.....
Mera paas sabh kuch hai lakin..... I am more than happy and content with my life yet.....
Lovely parents:too lucky to be there kid.....
AB:to always guide me through tough times.....
Rocking friends:to liven the environment around me..... yet.....

In the middle of the night..... i wake up and search for something..... something very precious..... which ought to be mine..... which ought to be mine..... Hoping after hope that i can wake up someone and ask them to help me in searching..... yet.....

All alone when everybody else is fast asleep.....
i sit here hoping that there will be someone who will find my precious thing for me.....

My heart yearns for something and yet i dont know what it is.....
My mind thinks of every possible thing and yet it doesnot seem to find the correct answer.....
My eyes search every corner of the room and yet it fails to discover anything.....
My throat calls out for every one who can help me find it and yet there is no one to answer my call.....

Lagta hai ki kudha mujhse keh raha hai ki..... Meri Sabhse Keemti cheez..... jissa mein doond rahi hoon..... woh meri aakhon key bilkul samne hai..... lakin phir bhi mein pehchan nahi paa rahi hoon.....

All alone..... I search and search..... for what ought to be mine..... for what ought to be mine.....

And when all my energy is perished..... I collapse and feel helpless.....
I feel like crying..... crying.....
till my eyes are drained of water.....
till my throat is soar with pain.....
till my heart is tired of yearning.....
till my mind is tired of thinking..... yet.....
I am not the one to give up.....
I start my search again.....

All alone..... i search and search and search..... for what ought to be mine..... for what ought to be mine.....

All alone..... i sit here..... in the middle of the night..... hoping after hope to find..... what ought to be mine..... what ought to be mine.....